You spent all summer getting her ready.
You shopped for the bedding, the storage bins, the shower caddy, the mini fan, the laundry basket, the command hooks, the desk lamp, the first-aid kit, and all the decorations that would hopefully make a tiny dorm room feel like home. You talked through what she needed, what she forgot, what she might need, and what everyone on TikTok said she absolutely had to bring.
Then move-in day came.
You unloaded what felt like five tons of stuff from the car. You carried bags up the stairs, squeezed past other families in the hallway, made the bed, hung the photos, organized the closet, and helped her set up every little corner with care. You took pictures. You tried to smile. You shed a few mom tears. Maybe you held it together until you got to the car. Maybe you didn’t.
Then you drove away hoping for the best.
Now school has started. Classes are underway. The dorm room is set up. The first few meals in the dining hall have happened. The welcome events may already be over. And for some girls, the friendship part still does not feel the way they hoped it would.
Maybe your daughter has called crying. Maybe she has texted that she feels left out. Maybe she has said everyone else seems to have people already. Maybe she is wondering what is wrong with her. Maybe she has asked to come home because the loneliness feels heavier than she expected.
That can break a parent’s heart.
You may want to rescue her, reassure her, fix it, or say, “Give it time.” And yes, time matters. But in that moment, she may not need a quick solution as much as she needs you to understand how vulnerable this feels.
We often tell teens, “You’ll find your people,” as if friendship simply appears once they arrive on the right campus. Sometimes it does happen quickly. Some teens click with their roommate, meet a group during orientation, join a club, and begin to feel settled almost right away.
But for many teens, friendship does not magically happen the moment they step on campus.
College is a social blank slate. That can be exciting, but it can also be unsettling. Your daughter leaves behind the people who knew her history, her humor, her strengths, her routines, and her place in the social world. No one automatically knows she was the one everyone came to for advice. No one knows she was funny once she felt comfortable. No one knows she was the loyal friend, the leader, the artist, the athlete, the helper, or the one who held the group together.
She has to build connection again.
And building connection takes skills.
It takes the ability to start a conversation, even when it feels awkward. It takes the courage to ask someone to grab coffee, walk to an event, or sit together in the dining hall. It takes the willingness to go to a club meeting more than once, even if the first time feels uncomfortable. It takes knowing how to follow up with someone instead of assuming one friendly conversation means a friendship has already formed.
It also takes mindset.
Your daughter needs to know that the first few weeks do not define her entire college experience. The first roommate may not become her best friend. The first group she meets may not be her group. The first weekend may have felt lonelier than she expected. None of that means she chose the wrong school. None of that means everyone else is thriving while she is failing. None of that means her people are not there.
It means connection takes time.
And she will need emotional resilience while it grows.
Making friends involves risk. Someone may already have plans. Someone may not text back. Someone may be friendly in class but not become a close friend. That can sting, especially when your daughter is already feeling vulnerable. Without resilience, one disappointing moment can quickly turn into, “No one likes me here.”
Once that thought starts to settle in, loneliness can grow. She may stop going to events. Stop leaving her door open. Stop asking people to do things. Stop smiling at people in the hallway. Stop believing she has choices.
That is why “just put yourself out there” is not enough.
Your daughter needs more than a hopeful send-off. She needs a friendship plan, even if the school year has already begun.
That plan can start right now.
Who has she had even one decent conversation with? A roommate? A suitemate? Someone in class? Someone from orientation? Someone on her floor? Someone she keeps seeing in the dining hall?
That person does not have to become her best friend. They are simply a place to begin.
She can ask someone to walk to class. She can invite someone to grab coffee. She can ask a classmate if they want to study together. She can go back to a club a second time, even if the first meeting felt awkward. She can sit near someone instead of leaving a seat between them. She can send the text that says, “Want to go together?”
These may sound like small things, but friendship is often built from small things.
A smile. A shared walk. A “me too.” A second conversation. A third invitation. A moment of courage after an awkward first attempt.
As a parent, you can help by talking about this in a grounded way. Not in a way that makes her feel like she is failing socially. Not in a way that turns friendship into one more thing to master. But in a way that says, “This part matters too, and you can learn how to do it.”
Instead of saying, “You’ll find your people,” you can say, “You will have opportunities to build connection, and it may take some effort.”
Instead of saying, “Everyone makes friends in college,” you can say, “A lot of students feel lonely at first, even when it looks like they are doing great.”
Instead of saying, “Just go talk to someone,” you can help her think through what she might actually say, where she might go, and how she can keep trying if the first connection does not become a friendship.
College can absolutely be a place where teens find their people.
But we do them a disservice when we make it sound automatic.
Our college students need more than the dream of belonging. They need the skills to create it, the mindset to believe it is possible, and the emotional resilience to keep reaching when it takes longer than they hoped.
Because the goal was never just getting them into college.
The goal is helping her build a life there.
With Heart,
Coach Sheri
