You can see it in her face. You walk in the room and the hairs on the back of her neck seem to bristle and her body stiffens up. She looks at you like you are an alien from a planet far, far away. This is just seconds after she is giggling and laughing as she is scrolling through her texts and social media. Without even muttering a single word, you have somehow changed her mood.
This is a scenario that parents sadly recount to me quite often. Your mere presence can adversely affect your daughter’s mood. You are probably thinking…
WHY DOES SHE HATE ME?
Rest assured, she doesn’t hate you, even if she says she does. It is her body’s way of demanding that she begin to grow up and search for support and connection outside of her nuclear family. If your daughter was as attached to you now as she was when she was two, there would be some major issues. She wouldn’t want to exert her independence. She would never want to have a life outside of your household. She would depend on you to solve every problem, schedule every appointment, and console her at every turn.
YOUR DAUGHTER IS INDIVIDUATING.
Her biology is forcing her to become an individual that is able to function without parent intervention. That’s what we all want as a parent, but it is also a scary feeling. It might leave you feeling isolated, unsure, sad, lonely. In fact, research shows that “mothers of only middle-school-age children reported the highest levels of stress, loneliness and emptiness, and also the lowest levels of life satisfaction and fulfillment” (reported by CNN).
SHE STILL LOVES YOU.
This is tough, but don’t take it personally. Your daughter is doing her job. She is beginning to search for her new identity that is not enmeshed with yours.
To get through it with your heart in one piece, you can try:
-bringing up a happy memory from when she was little
-asking if she needs anything
-making her a snack she loved in childhood
-writing her a love note and put it on her mirror
-showing love and compassion even when she’s prickly
-reminding yourself that she’s still your baby girl that just needs her space
-finding the humor in it
If your daughter isn’t showing this behavior, you have escaped the teen freeze. My daughters were all different on how they handled this time. One didn’t do this at all. Another stopped wanting as much physical affection. And the other accepted the physical affection but backed off in her verbal openness. We have to just accept their own version of their individuation.
